Grief...

     What's good, family?

   

   It's been a few weeks...almost a month, since the biggest devastation of my life occurred. It's not easy dealing with the loss of a loved one. Particularly one with which you've had a strong bonding. One who was integral, and instrumental in you being the person that you are. October 30th will always resonate with me. Always. 

   I've heard some heads say that "life goes on", and that "she's in a better place". Selfishly, I feel that the better place is here, and now, where I can reach out and touch her, or reach out, and pick up a phone, and call her. We may not have even had anything earth-shattering to discuss, but sometimes, just the sound of one's voice was just enough. The cherry on the sundae, so to speak. I no longer have that, and yes...it hurts. There have been times since her Homegoing ceremony where, reflexively, a humorous thought, or something of interest comes across my mind, and I get ready to pick up the phone, and call her...and then it hits me. Can't do that anymore, bruh...she's not there.

   I try not to think of her in terms of sadness, because I KNOW that she's with Yah, serving faithfully, as she always had, spreading love more generously than she had before. But, I can't help thinking about the last time I touched her hand, the last time I kissed her on the forehead, the last time I made her smile, and chuckle with my comedy. Suddenly, all types of questions I would've asked her, are popping up in my head, and I know that I can't ask them. "How'd you make your seafood salad?", or "What's the secret to your world-famous lemonade?". Hell, she wouldn't've told me, even if she WERE around! Even simple stuff like, "How are you feeling today?", or "Have you eaten?". Stuff that we should be asking our loved ones on a daily basis. I miss those things. Although, I no longer have to worry about her, I miss that, too. I didn't mind coming to see her in the hospital, rehabilitation center, and nursing homes. She would've done the same for me. I know this. What I DON'T miss, is her being in those places, and me having to leave her there. Those trips back to Delaware were agonizing. Especially the last one. THAT one was the worst, because I knew that there would never be another one of our "Law & Order" Sundays. There would no longer be our annual movie dates. There would no longer be her marvelous Thanksgiving soirees, where you could smell the cooking, and hear her laughter, all the way to the elevator. No more Christmases, where she loved to have a tree up, right after Thanksgiving, and always busted her tail to make sure that she got her cards sent out, and presents wrapped meticulously. No more 11:59:59 New Year's Eve calls. No more birthday calls, and cards. No more hugs, and "Heyyyyy, Big Boy, what's up?" Simple things.

Simple things that mean so much more, when they're no longer available.

   I think about her every day. And I talk to her, and yes, I can hear her voice clearer now, than before, and she's constantly telling me, "I'm alright, baby...I'm okay! I want you to stop worrying, and keep on doing the things that you need to be doing...I'm much better, now." I believe that. But I'm still having a hard time fathoming the loss. THAT'S gonna take some time...if ever.

   Quite a few of you friends, and family have reached out, and have warmly extended their thoughts, and prayers, and I humbly HUMBLY appreciate it, and am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love, care, and concern. I tend to go off into my "moments", where grief has to rear it's head, and honestly, I don't want to be around anyone when I go through it. I don't wanna be that "Sad Sack" cat that people wind up avoiding, because that mug's always sad. Not saying that that's where I am, currently, mind you! I'm just working on processing this season, day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute, because it's still fresh. The wound is still raw. The pain is still there, and it's real. I'll not let grief consume me, though. It's a tough, bitter pill to swallow, but eventually, with some honey, it'll go down. Eventually.

   MAJOR thanks, and kudos to all, whom I consider family, for taking time out to check up on a brutha. I'll be back to my positive, and positively comedic ways, in no time. But please forgive, and understand if I don't promptly return a call, or answer a phone, or return a text/e-mail. My world's been turned upside down, and I'm just starting to rearrange the furniture. Feel me?

I love you, Ma...missing you dearly, and daily.

Love to you ALL, family...❤❤❤